E "Eddy" Edwards
Greetings DeScopers! Sometime in the late 1990s — or last week, I dunno. Time is so relative, you know? — I posed to you, the discriminated readers of DeScope -- A Cranky Journal of Themed Entertainment Design and Development, what, in your oh, so sensitively- attuned- to- way- gnarly- bitchin'- themed- stuff minds, was THE top theme park attraction now or ever. I also asked to name your favorite illicit theme park thrill. And where is the best hotdog-on-a-stick location.
Not surprising, the response was unanimous on the most important question, mainly because I am the only one of you slackers who responded:
The best hotdog-on-a-stick location is the wagon on Mainstreet, USA, in Disneyland.
`Nuf said.
Response on other matters was . . . well . . . the word "whelmed" comes to mind. However, the, uh, "select" nature of responders did redeem themselves if only by dint of there being a decided " sex and death" tint to the responses. "Death" in that with all but one response, the "the best" places, experiences, and / or things, alas, no longer grace theme park maps as they are now seen.
"Sex." Well, now, the call for best illicit theme park thrills DID touch on a nerve, if you'll pardon the expression.
But first, the best of the (mostly) dead:
Says [name withheld by request]:
"The BEST ride EVER was the Flying Saucers in the 1967 Tomorrowland. They had everything that anyone (that is, me when I was 11) could ever want: you got to zip around in your own flying saucer (which got me so ready for the hovercars that we're all still waiting for, God damnit), you drove them by tilting your body, so it was a completely intuitive control system, and the thing was LOUD when all of the fans kicked in. Also, it was a glorified bumper car ride; you got to bump people, strangers, your sister, anyone. What's NOT to love? Best of all, it's gone, probably forever (despite what the Martini drinkers at the Tam O'Shanter say), so it's only in our memories, where everything is the best and can't disappoint us now by revealing itself to not have been so much fun after all."
[Name withheld because they didn't give it] opines:
"Horizons. It was fucking big, it was fucking air-conditioned, and even if what it had to say was completely outdated, at least it had a point of view. Let's see somebody try to get that optimistic these days."
And, writes [name withheld because we assume it's a fake name — what kind of name is "Delbert," anyway? — so why bother?]:
" The Sea Serpent Roller Coaster at P.O.P. All drops and "slam- you- around- corners- fast turns, but what make it great was that you just knew the thing was going to fall apart and drop you, screaming, to a wet, horrible death, with tons of old lumber falling down on top of you, trapping you beneath the waves. Never did, of course, but when you got off, you knew you had cheated death so you didn't mind so much. Of course, when they closed the place, I saw on TV that the giant pilings of the pier underneath it were almost completely worn away. Too bad, hunh?"
As to "the best" still in existence, says [name withheld because I suspect she'd bloody thump me — and she could do it, too — if I didn't]:
"Personally I feel Suess Landing at Islands of Adventure is the best attraction/area in the best themed, narrative and detailed park I've ever been in."
Theme? Narrative? Detail? Be still my blogging heart!
Leading off the "illicit" list, again, is the above Ms. "She Who Must Not Be Named:
Oh, man . . . makes me feel a bit clammy. But in a good way. Kinda . . .
Other bits `o illicit glory:
Pirates of the Caribbean: "Yes, we knew that there are cameras, but, a long skirt helped hide the deed."
Hurricane Deck of the Mark Twain in Disneyland at night: "Back before Fantasmic, there wouldn't be many people on the Mark Twain, especially on the upper decks at night. It was romantic, the trees gliding by, the splash on the wheel, the rhythmic `whoosh' of the steam coming out of the steam pipes. You could always cop a feel of a Creative Entertainment dancer or a Storybook Canal Boat girl up there."
Say what? OK, you had me with the mention of a Creative Entertainment dancer. I mean, c'mon, you know they're easy. But there ain't no way that a Storybook Canal Girl — especially "back in the day" (whatever the hell that means) — would ever allow herself to be so terribly besmirched. One of them Haunted Mansion chicks, sure, but never a Storybook girl. "Anything so innocent and built like that just gotta be named Lucille . . .
Oh course, some aspects of the Storybook experience does leave me wanting to smoke a cigar. "Sometimes a whale is just a whale."
Casey Jr. Circus Train.
(To be continued . . .)
Send Comments to E "Eddy" Edwards
Employee parking lot, Magic Mountain, pre-Six Flags (Note: tacky link alert!): "After-hours sex, drugs, and 8-track rock and roll. It's where I first hear `Bohemian Rhapsody' and used an apple bong. Not at the same time."
Thank you, one and / or all for your all-too revealing input. More annoying, page-filling- with- little- effort polls to come.
But, that leaves one thing left unsaid: what does DeScope consider to be the "best" out-of-home themed attraction? Out of all the big-bucks, career building / career ending, latest, greatest, most technologically advanced themed experience now or forever available experiences is the number uno with a bullet?